


hold onto existence

by angstonly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Depression, Friends With Benefits, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-01-24 19:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21343165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly
Summary: "and here i was, already thinking of how best to die." his words, again soft, speak truth that heknowstaeyong is already aware of. "you were last on my list.""your list," taeyong echoes, arms wrapped around jaehyun who's tucked within his lean frame. there's a lull in the air, filled with a heaviness not foreign to the two men sharing the bed. "hm. don't do it." taeyong whispers, but in his eyes it's more of aplea.taeyong knows it will happen— that a world without jung jaehyun is soon to come. he just isn't sure he's prepared for it to comethissoon.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	hold onto existence

silence. it's what permeates the air as naked bodies drenched in sweat collapse side by side. jung jaehyun is breathless—his chest heaves heavily up and down, lips still tingling from the taste of taeyong's, skin still burning from the way taeyong maneuvers around every point of his body and elicits wanton moans and whimpers he hasn't felt in a _while_. his eyes glue to the ceiling, mind reeling from emotions and desires that he surrenders to in one last moment of weakness (or strength, depending on how one sees it all in the grand scheme of things). jaehyun likes to think it's something he _has_ to do before he dies, and so he does.

jaehyun's heart is rapping against his ribcage and he imagines it running, attempting to flee from his chest to evade the emotions that threaten to stop him from his ultimate goal of complete oblivion. he stills, licking dried lips, and his fingers absentmindedly reach out for taeyong's beneath the covers. for a moment, they stay in the quiet.

he shifts onto his side. from the off-white ceiling, his gaze locks onto fair skin lying beside him. from taeyong's neck, to his lips, to his eyes, jaehyun's gaze wanders. and then unwittingly, he speaks out his name, "taeyong." his voice is soft, barely a whisper. it's filled with affection and care yet laced with an insurmountable sadness that only the two of them could ever comprehend. jaehyun wants to say more, to say something else, but he only falls silent.

with their fingers still laced together, taeyong brings their hands to his chest. his heart is beating loudly, his mind still reeling and reeling and reeling despite the silence that befalls them. "hi, jaehyun." taeyong responds, eyebrows arched as he looks over at his companion.

when their eyes meet, taeyong finds it strange. jaehyun's eyes are deep and brown and taeyong could get lost in them, _drown_ in them if he's not careful. his eyes almost has taeyong forgetting the darkness he calls his home; maybe a home in jaehyun's eyes wouldn't be too bad an alternative—the birth of a new day, maybe. if there still is one in store for them.

"taeyong hyung," jaehyun again speaks, but this time with a smile. bittersweet and _sad_, his eyes glaze over with unshed tears. it's instinct—jaehyun scoots farther away, releasing his hold on taeyong's hand and shifting to face the other side. jaehyun thinks it's too difficult to look into taeyong's eyes. the way taeyong looks at him quite literally takes his breath away, takes all the words out of his tongue; it renders him incapable of even just _thinking_.

when did taeyong start having such an effect on him? jaehyun isn't really sure, but he holds no complaints. on any other normal day, lee taeyong is a haven that shelters jaehyun from his demons, a safety that makes coping _possible_. but today is not any other normal day.

"what..." he begins, a hint of a smile ghosting over rosy lips. "what if you wake up tomorrow and i don't?" it's a morbid thought, a melancholy only the two of them could truly understand. jaehyun's eyes close and the darkness that greets him is welcome. he can't help but wonder how it would feel for this darkness to be a permanence—if he simply ceases to _be_.

(taeyong notes that the absence of jaehyun's hand is _too_ noticeable. and without much thought, his arm travels over memorized skin and pulls him back closer.)

jaehyun finds himself counting as the silence hangs in the air. one... two... three... he's made a habit of counting his breaths. he doesn't know when he's going to breathe his last, but he's quite certain that the last is nearing. it's the whole reason behind the sudden disruptions into his daily norms this past week. smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses—everything that he used to enjoy now returning to him for one final run. perhaps it's a goodbye.

the question still sits in his mind, rendering taeyong silent, but it's not like it's a question he hasn't pondered himself at least once before. the union of two broken souls such as theirs practically begs for the macabre, and discussions of death (sometimes their own, mostly jaehyun's) have become typical and familiar.

with his free hand, taeyong lights a cigarette. there's a long drag as he gathers his thoughts, and then the cigarette lies idle between his fingers. "according to multiverse theory, it might have already happened. in some other universe somewhere out there," he says, watching as ash flutters onto the silver tray perched atop his bedside table. stolen, taeyong remembers in his head. a sort of keepsake from the first time he and jaehyun learned each other's bodies, swiped from the outside of jaehyun's apartment. _how nostalgic_.

"a universe in which i cease to exist. sounds appealing. but hm, do you think i'd be in your bed in other universes too?" he speaks with a light tone in his voice despite the topic at hand. it's easy around taeyong—to speak his mind regardless of how sullen the thought. perhaps it's why they've found themselves joking about being _soulmates_.

it's a funny notion, of course. jaehyun never did believe in one, not even as a young child still hopeful and full of expectations. yet one look into taeyong's eyes has him believing in a fairytale idea—that his soul may be half of another's, and that other half is now owned by the boy who's warmth is seeping into his skin.

"maybe, probably," taeyong counters with a shrug of his shoulders, head resting against jaehyun's delicately. he's always enjoyed the smell of jaehyun's shampoo; it's an intoxicating scent that's much better than the smell of smoke that clings to his walls. "or i could be in _your _bed. or we could be in a hotel. or maybe i don't exist in one and you're in someone else's bed." as a teasing afterthought, taeyong adds, "who knows? maybe we'd be married in one."

_married_. the word rings in jaehyun's ears like music not meant for him to hear. to be betrothed to taeyong is a luxurious thought that jaehyun struggles to evade. after all, the probability of people like _them_ achieving something so joyous is close to none. "that's a thought," he whispers, peering up at the boy whose arms he fits perfectly in.

"in this universe though," taeyong adds, setting his cigarette down onto the tray. he pulls jaehyun even closer and he leans down to brush his lips tentatively against jaehyun's forehead. "i'd rather you be here. with me. just like this."

taeyong's words strike him with a sharp pain to his chest and out of instinct, he moves away. he's sitting now, the stoicism painted on his features a contrast to the clenching of his heart painfully inside his chest. he bites down into his jaw, collecting his thoughts as best he can before again facing taeyong without a change in his expression.

"and here i was, already thinking of how best to die." his words, again soft, speak truth that he _knows_ taeyong is already aware of. "you were last on my list."

the vacancy in taeyong's arms cut him exactly like a blade does. his expression twists into one of pain, though he's quick to mask this with a puff of smoke that now whiffs around his face. when jaehyun sits up, taeyong follows and leans against his bed frame. he watches jaehyun in silence for a moment, but his arms don't rest until jaehyun is back in his rightful place within them.

jaehyun is back in taeyong's embrace almost as soon as he leaves it. and it's a welcome warmth he sometimes irrationally wishes he could never be without. it's painfully funny; to attach himself to another being—and to one so ironically similar to himself—is more or less a morose attachment to pain itself. the two of them hold no certainty of a future, especially when jaehyun has already decided that his life is to end once their night spent together has come to a close.

"your list," taeyong echoes, arms wrapped around jaehyun who's tucked within his lean frame. there's a lull in the air, filled with a heaviness not foreign to the two men sharing the bed. "hm. don't do it," taeyong whispers, but in his eyes it's more of a _plea_. taeyong knows it will happen— that a world without jung jaehyun is soon to come. he just isn't sure he's prepared for it to come _this_ soon.

_don't do it_. jaehyun swallows thickly, his eyes fluttering shut when he feels taeyong's lips brush against his forehead once more. for a moment, the danger that is _hope_ fills his mind. the thought of a higher probability of happiness enters his thoughts. but he's quick to brush it off, quick to tear it away from his mind and annihilate it until it's practically gone.

lee taeyong is a dangerous man, he thinks as he stiffens albeit only slightly. (the comfort he feels in taeyong's hold is almost laughable in the face of what he intends with what lies in his tomorrow.) "it's a selfish thought, i know." jaehyun's words cut through the silence, an idle hand drawing shapes on taeyong's bruised and scarred skin. "to wish to die—it's selfish. i know that, but—" his hand pauses on taeyong's, and then he laces their fingers together, tightly. a ghost of a smile still remains on his face as the lines on their forearms appear to mirror each other's. "i'm ready."

taeyong's never even considered quitting smoking, but he muses that he would if it meant being able to hold jaehyun's hand again tomorrow. he considers saying this out loud, considers looking jaehyun in those beautiful brown eyes of his and professing all they've vowed not to say. the circumstances are delicate, volatile even.

_implosion_, jaehyun would say, is an inevitability, especially when they are a clandestine union between two broken souls, bond so closely tethered by tragedy. jung jaehyun and lee taeyong are already catastrophes in their own right, after all. and as this implosion seemingly draws near, dangerous man lee taeyong concedes that he is undeniably _afraid_.

(jaehyun would argue that fearing the inevitable is futile; taeyong would usually agree. but not today.)

his skin tingles where jaehyun's breath leaves its invisible marks and lee taeyong contemplates the intricacies of his conversations with jung jaehyun. "hm." he hums, eyes darting over toward their still-held hands. "what if..." he begins to say, soft yet loud enough for them both to hear. "what if in this universe, you woke up and i didn't?"

jaehyun looks over with a faint smile, tired eyes meeting taeyong's with an unspoken tenderness reserved specifically for him. and then he looks off into the distance, what little light left on his face now a little more dim. "i'd follow, maybe. pull a romeo and juliet and pierce my own heart with a dagger," he quips morbidly. "but the probability of you dying before me has reduced into almost a zero."

"zero..." taeyong mirrors the word with his own far off stare, his body moving to pull jaehyun even closer almost as if on instinct. every word spoken since the night began pierces through his thoughts, brings him into his head, and his heart is speaking before he can stop it. "i'm not ready," he murmurs, his hand leaving jaehyun's to cup his cheek, thumb brushing against soft pale skin .

lee taeyong is usually good with direction but he easily gets lost in jaehyun's eyes. even more so as the silence envelops them yet again, gaze meeting gaze in this longing melancholic moment. the fluorescent lights hit jaehyun's face in a way that has taeyong thinking _perfection_. jaehyun looks peaceful. perhaps it's the ironic juxtaposition between his calm and the heavy air drenched with the smell of cigarettes and sweat, or perhaps it's taeyong's heart beating vigorously against his chest—but with a small voice, his heart gains control over his brain and says, "don't go."

_fear_. it manifests itself as a chill running up jaehyun's spine as he immerses himself in the specks of colors staring into his soul. taeyong's words feel like burns, but far _worse_. it feels excruciating; it's an agony unlike any other affliction jaehyun's known in his twenty-two years of living. and that's what makes it all the more _concerning_, especially when jaehyun's already faced death at the hands of others too many times to count. his eyes close and he leans into the gentle touch holding his cheek, a frail hand resting atop taeyong's.

he says nothing and just _feels_. he feels his heart, how rapidly it's beating in his chest. he feels his chest, how it feels like it's going to cave in with every breath he takes. he feels his breath, ragged and panicked and overwhelming all at once. and then he feels the tears, slowly pooling until they spill over and roll down his face. he braves the sight of lee taeyong, eyes fluttering open slowly. he flashes a smile, pained and exhausted and still _ready_.

"hyung, don't—_please_, hyung. please don't cry..." careful hands wipe at the tears that taeyong doesn't even notice have fallen, trembling against his skin. "i'm ready." he repeats softly, words accompanied by the faintest of kisses against taeyong's lips. and another. and another. and another. "i don't deserve your tears, lee taeyong."

"jaehyun," taeyong's voice is louder, firmer. and jaehyun thinks his name on taeyong's lips is both honey and poison. taeyong's face fills with an expression jaehyun's never seen before. _what is it?_ jaehyun almost thinks it's... pain. "don't go, jaehyun. _don't leave me_."

jaehyun's never known how destructive words can truly be until this very moment. everything lee taeyong flashes into his thoughts; every moment of weakness when cataclysmic hope pricks at his numbed heart plays in his mind. his eyebrows knit together, staring into taeyong's eyes hoping it could give him some form of explanation for the sudden _doubt_ that rises within him. his plan, his list, his final day—it's not supposed to end like this; it's not supposed to end with taeyong in tears asking (almost _begging_) for their night together not to end.

jaehyun doesn't want this, but it's what he's given.

the world is so fucking cruel, jaehyun could almost laugh. he's pushed toward oblivion when he still holds onto the desires for better days. and when he's planned and prepared and organized and _finally_ _ready_ for his own demise, there's taeyong.

a small light shines. it's imperceptible at best, but it's there— an anomaly to the darkness. when he looks closer, it's lee taeyong. it's his voice, his face, his touch, his smile. it's the hand that gingerly grazes his cheek. it's the gaze that sees through every charade and pretense jaehyun wants taeyong to believe.

"okay."

taeyong blinks. he's bemused, but so is jaehyun. and they stare at each other in silence until taeyong finally cracks a smile. and his lips meet jaehyun's with a fervor unlike any they've shared before, bare bodies coming together once more in a passionate dance unique only to them.

jaehyun always did say that the implosion is inevitable. but as he lies in the arms of lee taeyong, both breathless and panting and drenched in sweat, he realizes that the implosion isn't their destined demise—the implosion, ironically enough, is every bit of affection they've kept wordless since the first time they've lied naked in each other's embrace.

love isn't enough; of this, jung jaehyun is painfully aware. it is an excruciating reality that love, frivolous and sanguine and bright as it can be, is never all it takes to be enough. it is not enough to save a damaged soul like jung jaehyun; it is not enough to impede the inescapable death that will become him.

perhaps, under very dire circumstances, it could be. perhaps sometimes, it is.

and for tonight, just for tonight, jaehyun will choose to believe that maybe lee taeyong is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twt @scammerjaem


End file.
